Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
