I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
