god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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