Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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