I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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