you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize