We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
