Jerry, you need to find god
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
