My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
