True but thats because hes a fetus.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Randomize
