This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
