About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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