I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
