today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
