Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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