i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
