just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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