i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
