I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize