Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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