Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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