saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
