He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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