he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
