Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
