But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
