I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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