Banned from zoo.
Again?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
