then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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