Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
