So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
