hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
