Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
