Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
