I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
