This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
