you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
