I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
