I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
