The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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