my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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