I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
