omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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