Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
PANTIES FOUND
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