If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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