my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
