smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
