Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
