I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Someone came in the potted fern
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
