Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
