and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
