I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
