well I can't set my house on fire every night
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
