At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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