Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
