explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize