she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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