She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize