I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
